5 Years In Therapy Update

April 14, 2021

Tulips on bed

5 Years have passed. I genuinely thought therapy would be over now. That I would be better. I am better, that is true, but I'm always going to be a work in progress and I will probably be seeking therapy for the rest of my life. I've learned a lot about myself during this worldwide pandemic and one thing that I now know for certain is that I can count on me when things aren't going well. I relapsed back in September. My good old friend depression came back and, yes, I did let him stay for a while but I also knew what to do. I think I've done pretty well without medication so far, if I do say so myself, but all the good food, the good friends, all the therapy and all the yoga in the world just were not helping enough. I was tired of having to put so much effort into feeling good. It was making me sad and I was exhausted. While this isn't what my therapist or my partner had ever considered for me, I knew this was the right thing to do because I deserved better.  

I deserved better than having to deal with constant mood swings. Having your emotions go up and down all day long and trying to be fine or act like you're fine is hard. Over the years that I have been in therapy I learned that I'm actually quite a happy and chirpy person. I didn't think medication was going to solve all my problems but I genuinely hoped that I would lessen my symptoms so that my happy self could start to thrive. I'd been struggling with really bad PMS for a year which made me miserable 2 weeks out of every month. In addition, I have also been suffering with chronic stress and anxiety. My GP told me to seek psychiatric help and I was so grateful that someone was finally listening to me. As much as I respect the opinions of my therapist, my partner and my friends, which is that 'I will be able to cope with those things eventually, over time' I thought 5 years of therapy was enough time passed to establish that there are in fact areas in my life that where I needed more support. 

I was prescribed antidepressants and while the side effects in the very beginning were brutal I'm doing much much better now. I've been taking them since January 2021 and I'm so incredibly relieved. My PMS, anxiety and stress have subsided significantly. I genuinely wish I would have taken medication sooner. They have improved my life so much I could cry. If this is how a regular person feels at all time I'm incredibly jealous of people who naturally produce this much serotonin. I'm going to be honest though, seeing a psychiatrist isn't what I thought it would be like. Every time I leave the doctor's office I feel like my soul has been exfoliated raw and I have a throbbing headache for days after. It's not easy. My therapist suggested I have more sessions now as she feels like I'm 'peeling another layer of the onion' and I might be close to another breakthrough. 

Every time I feel like I'm near the end, my therapy journey starts all over again. In my heart I know it's not the end but the naïve little child in me still wishes it would be.

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