Finding Yourself When You've Always Felt Lost - Therapy Update Year 4

April 03, 2020


The other day as I was refreshing my website, I started reading my yearly therapy updates. First year 1 then year 2, 3 and here we are at number 4. I admire the young woman that so bravely wrote her story because, more often than not, all I remember is the shame I felt, the guilt and how much I was struggling to understand my past, my present and my future. When I wrote my last post on depression and anxiety I thought I was done sharing personal mental health updates but after giving it some thought I realised a lot has changed yet again and I don't want it to go unnoticed because where I am now is where I've always wanted to be: home. I am home. I am safe, I am where I belong and I'm happy.

From a very young age, sadly, I didn't want to exist, I didn't like to live and I didn't want to live. I never felt at home anywhere, I just wanted to go away. Eventually I did leave for a while - I went to live abroad on own. I was happy there - until childhood trauma decided to catch on because well .. trauma never really leaves does it. After 4 years of therapy I'm no longer depressed, I do still struggle with anxiety and I go through days that are harder than others but I no longer suffer those intense and destructive thoughts and for that I'm so grateful. I didn't know any better until I learned in therapy that there is both a negative and positive voice inside your head. The negative one ruled for a long time. It ruled my life. Eventually the positive one was brave, I was brave, and I'm much more compassionate with myself now. I understand which wounds still need to heal. I don't compliment myself enough though, for the hard work I've done over the years, but that's okay. That also will come.


One of the main reasons why I wanted to write this post is because the more you'll get better, the more you'll open up about what you struggled with and what you are maybe still struggling with; which is great because it shows growth, understanding and it will bring a great sense of peace within your heart - but I'm sad to say that, in my experience, the people who had my back in the beginning of my journey are no longer with me today. Not only are they no longer on my wavelength they also do not believe my story, even though some of them witnessed it firsthand. It's true that not everyone will like to see you flourish. They'll put you down, say hurtful things because they feel threatened by your growth. I was told I "always use my childhood trauma as an excuse" not to do certain things. I was deeply hurt. It was actually the first time I was fully transparent with this person and they talked to me as if my trauma is something I mention every chance I get, which isn't true. I was met with a lot of anger and disgust. I realised then it was important that I set more boundaries so I can protect myself because I'm not going to be the person they want me to be: someone who is still angry at the world. I'm no longer angry at the world, I'm no longer lost, I know exactly who I am, who I want to be, I have goals and I'm not going to remain small because my growth and my strength don't suit them.

So, some of my relationships have flourished, some of them have died, others are still a work in progress but the one relationship that is most important to me right now is the relationship I have with myself and that one has grown strong and healthy. I'm genuinely surprised about how much I like me now and how conscious I am about the love and care that I need. Everything I lacked, growing up, I'm now able to give back to myself. I'm taking care of my needs and I'm doing a great job.

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