Cheers To Progress

January 23, 2020

Cheers Jolien Nathalie

I'm currently sitting in my bed with a cup of tea by my side trying to survive the flu for the second time in a month. I'm the happiest I've ever been but I've also never wanted to strangle my neighbours more. I guess that's what the flu does to you. 2019 was such a year of growth for me and I'm so incredibly proud. I'm really excited for what's to come next. I even have some new year's resolutions set up: drink less, more yoga and inner peace. I love how focused I am when my mind is in a peaceful place. Even when things aren't going well and I'm feeling sad, I'm still good. I can rely on myself, I'm a go getter and I can feel a fire burning in my chest. I know what I want and I'm taking baby steps to get there. Instead of being scared I'm excited, which funnily enough is actually scary.

I didn't suffer the blues at the beginning of the new year like I usually do but I have faced some stressors already which felt rather unexpected and caused me to find comfort in one of my old coping mechanisms: drowning my feelings in Netflix Original series. That in itself isn't necessarily bad but I panicked and it triggered a lot of anxiety. I got worked up about the little things, made them into bigger things and then decided to let go of plans I'd already made because it was too much for me to handle. I can't always relate to Jolien that panicked when I'm fine. I've now come to find out that this time last year I was really struggling to find my footing, so I'm not surprised this happened. Compared to that, I have made progress and that is amazing. This morning, I woke up feeling much better and I finally managed to figure out 2 things that have been on my mind a lot lately:

It's not because you are brave enough to set a boundary that it will actually be respected.

It's not because you can rationalise an upsetting situation that your feelings won't be hurt. 

In the past 4 months, I've been talking to my partner a lot about what it's like to be at a point in your mental health journey where it almost feels like you've had too much therapy. I'm now overly critical about how humans speak and how humans use their words. Not everyone but most humans. I'm onto their bullshit, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Sometimes that can be fun and other times it can be very draining. I feel like it's a way of the universe telling me how far I've come and showing me that it's not too late. People still struggle when they're full grown adults and that is okay. They talk a lot of 'stupid' and that is also okay. The things I used to think made me weak are now the same things that make me stand in my power. I've noticed that I intimidate people solely with my presence. For someone who's felt vulnerable fo so long is such a relief. I'm still cute but I'll also come for you if I don't like what you say.

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