Things I Feel Guilty About

May 05, 2019

When I was younger I used to feel guilty about a lot of things. Things that were out of my control and that often weren't my responsibility. I feel a lot of sadness about the way I grew up, if only my parents had dealt with their demons when they should have, I wouldn't have spent my childhood with all their feelings nagging on my heart. Many times I was desperate and I wish I would have learned back then that I shouldn't have been carrying around that pain that wasn't mine. It wan't easy to let go but I did. Now I feel guilty about other things, my lack of self confidence is one of them. I also have a little bit of a hard time adulting sometimes, I don't trust myself just yet. I'm hoping that writing everything out will help me to put some of my struggles into perspective. Here are 4 things I feel guilty about right now.

Things I feel guilty about

My inspiration for this post came from Shirley, a fellow blogger and talented content creator. Make sure to give her blog a little visit. When I read her post about the things she feels guilty about I knew I had to write down my own and here we are.

Not visiting my friends abroad

At 19 I moved all the way to Italy, I'd planned on working there for only 1 year but it took me 4 years to actually return to my home country. Needless to say I enjoyed myself there, I met a lot of people and made many friends, from all over the world. I used to see and speak to them quite regularly, it was when childhood trauma started catching up on me that everything went crumbling down. I lost my confidence, or what I thought was confidence, and I no longer dared to travel by myself, let alone speak to anyone about my situation. I was miserable, unemployed and had no future plans. I'm now 28 and the thought of going to another country by myself scares the shit out of me, still. Sometimes I barely leave my own house to go do groceries. Pretty much everything I did when I lived and worked in Milan was on survival mode. I just had to get shit done and it fired back on me when I returned home because I was running on empty. Everything I try to do carries so much anxiety that it's resulted in not being able to visit my friends, or a least not alone. It almost sounds as if I need a babysitter but I can assure you that's not the case. I'm still independent, just in a different way. I put a lot more thought into what I do now. I'm a lot more conscious. As I've gotten older I realised that many things I did in the past were very self destructive and I'm scared to fall back into that behaviour. I'm done throwing myself into the deep end. I think it will take a while for me to feel comfortable again, I feel bad for not visiting my friends but my health is more important now.

Not recovering fast enough

I've been a stay at home girlfriend for many years and it's becoming increasingly harder for me to accept that recovery takes time. Things have been slow and everything seems to slow down even more when I beat myself up for it. There's honestly nothing more counter productive than feeling sorry for yourself, believe me. I've been in self sabotage mode since the beginning of this year and I feel so defeated by myself. I just can't seem to accept that things are the way they are now and that I'm fine. That everything is going to be fine. I feel guilty for having to rely on another person to live. I feel guilty for not realising I needed help sooner. I feel guilty for not getting as much done as I would like. I feel guilty for not having a job. I feel guilty for being in therapy for so long. I genuinely thought I'd be done by now.

Declining blogger events

I cannot even begin to tell you how many I've declined since the beginning of this year. It's embarrassing, especially because this was all I wanted when I started my little online empire. Blogger events are opportunities to network, to meet the brands and the people who so kindly send me their PR parcels. I'm not good at networking, or at least not in my mother tongue which is Flemish, a language almost the same as Dutch. I no longer speak Flemish at home and I haven't since 2010. I've felt like an outsider my entire life and I feel no different at these get togethers, even though I try my best to remember what I learned in therapy. That I'm not my past, that I'm not my mistakes and that I deserve this because I worked hard for it. Yet, I'm afraid and uncomfortable, I don't feel confident speaking Flemish and I don't vibe with most Flemish people either. I was raised on the French speaking side of Belgium and people are different there. You'd think that with all this traveling I wouldn't feel this way but I still do. I was bullied in school and I'm pretty sure this has a lot to do with it.

Showing emotion & having feelings

It took me a long time to understand that being an emotional person doesn't mean you know how to show emotion. I grew up in a household where feelings weren't dealt with in healthy way, meaning they weren't dealt with at all. There was no awareness. I didn't learn the very basics of what it is like to express emotions. I'm an adult now and a lot of the times when I'm not okay, there's a storm inside of me and I start panicking and over thinking. In my childhood home I was taught to either not react or overreact - and trying not to do either of the two is hard. I often just don't know what is right, whether what I'm feeling is right or wrong, and then I start feeling sad and guilty. Rationalising, compartmentalising, distinguishing facts from feelings were all very foreign concepts to me until I started therapy. I'm unlearning what I was told to do and it's exhausting.

What is something you feel guilty about? 

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