My Last Depression & Recovery Update

The past six months have been a lot of letting go. Letting go of past feelings, letting go of my past self. I didn't realise to which extent I was actually attached to being depressed and how much I identified with depression as a whole. I pride myself a lot, right now, on the fact that I surround myself with positivity, creativity, people who show vulnerability and that I am part of a supportive community - not only in real life but also online. I follow people who inspire me, who show growth, great work ethic, respect women, understand the importance of mental health and who love having a good laugh. 2018 is soon coming to an end and I'm saying goodbye to my low self esteem, goodbye to depression, anxiety and hello to an improved me. Hello to a strong woman who has embraced healing and has finally started forgiving and believing. Who has learned to trust and accept herself.

It's taken me a while to put my feelings down on paper. Longer than usual. When I write, I'm good with words, with expressing how I feel but December has been really tough. I knew it was going to be hard but not this hard. I'm getting things done but I'm also just hanging around a lot, not knowing what to do. I'm scared for the future and I feel like I've lost sight of my goals. Probably your typical end of the year feelings, true, but I'm so frail and raw at the moment. I don't really want to meet or see anyone (new). It's just so much easier to hang out with people that I already know, that I can trust and that don't question me even though I still question myself at times. I don't want to make a fool of myself, getting all upset over something that has nothing to do with a stranger that may or may not have accidentally struck a nerve. I still have a lot of hurt built up inside and I think I unconsciously miss being miserable every day. I think I miss being depressed. For most of my life it was the only thing I knew 'how to do' and I've noticed it's easy to fall back into old coping habits and patterns.

Me and my low self esteem have had a very close relationship for a long time and it's been a process to let that shit go. To change the relationship I have with myself. I'm becoming a happy, confident person and it's making me sad, as confusing as that sounds. It's making me sad because even though I know how depression can affect a person I can no longer actually relate to people who are still suffering. Twitter is my favorite platform for mental health awareness and as much as I tweet and retweet and respond, often times I'm like - oh I know what that's like but it's no longer my truth. My truth is, I'm getting better and I don't have those desperate feelings anymore. The last time I was in crisis was almost a year ago and yes I've had ups and downs since but they are different, my downs are not as steep and ups are not as high anymore. I've struggled with depression and anxiety since early childhood and that was my normal until I was well in my twenties. I am no longer suicidal and as much as it is a relief - it's also been a long mourning process. I'm slowly discovering the beauty of being comfortable with my most vulnerable and truest self.

I never thought this was what getting better would be like. There are many misconceptions about mental illness, mental health and what it 'should' be like when you suffer from and try to overcome depression - but this is beyond anything I had ever expected. I learned to step away from labels and see them for what they really are: a name for symptoms and not a solution or the cause of all the sadness burning in your chest. As much as I wanted a name for all the hurt I felt, I learned in therapy that what really matters is why. Why I felt all that hurt - and how to deal with those feelings accordingly. I learned that the reason why I had to work on myself so much wasn't because it was all my fault or because something is wrong with me, it's because it's easier to work on yourself than trying to change everyone around you, than trying to change the world. You are worth your love, you are worth your energy. I learned that I am worth my love. Once the people around me started seeing that, they either embraced it or pushed it away and that part of healing is probably the toughest. Not everyone likes to see a person bloom.

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