I Celebrated My Mental Health Birthday

November 05, 2018

On the 27th of October I celebrated my mental health birthday. My therapist suggested I do it on the 15th but that was a little too soon for me so I just picked a random date. The purpose of this birthday? Celebrate my existence. Sounds quite pathetic now that I've written it down but it had great meaning - and I was a total mess, which makes for some great blogging content, so here we are! Life has been a bit weird lately, not gonna lie. I'm doing well but I've been feeling like I'm a computer trying to download its latest software update and it's going super slow. I also thought a mental health birthday would be me celebrating a certain achievement regarding my recovery but that wasn't the case here. If you've been following me for a while, you must have noticed that I sometimes talk about homework, in relation to my therapy sessions. Whereas I usually just have a good think about it and don't really do any 'homework', this time I did - I celebrated moi.

I assume most people love planning and organising special events, me on the other hand used to think of myself as just another piece of garbage on the side of the road so I didn't. Now that I've come to the conclusion through therapy that I'm damaged goods but that I can be repaired, I try but it's hard. There's nothing worse than having to have a mental health birthday because you were neglected as a child - and having to parent yourself at 28. There's nothing worse than having to teach yourself that you're not the ultimate failure of the universe and that you don't need to justify your existence. That you are deserving of good. Therapy homework isn't really homework, it's optional. If my recovery depended on it I wouldn't have gotten far, I think, but I have - so I guess I'm still a good patient anyway. Not that my therapist knows I refer to her suggestions as homework and to myself as a patient because she is not a doctor, but who cares, right? I celebrated my mental health birthday and that is all that matters. I planned out my whole day, to make sure I was 100% committed to making it all work, and I feel like everything started off well - having pancakes in the morning and running errands, where I had absolutely no business buying a bunch white towels that will definitely be ruined by the end of next week. My lunch was an entire sharing box from Mc Donalds, that I didn't fucking share with anyone, and the highlight of my day: a trip to IKEA. The fact that I got excited about buying new trash bins did make me question myself a little - although purchasing aesthetically pleasing bins, I think, really proves that I have successfully made it into adulthood. Thumbs up for me being a grown up!

Parenting yourself as an adult is all about being in touch with your inner child and respect it. More importantly, it's also about changing up your old unhealthy ways of doing stuff and turning them into positive experiences with a steep learning curve. My inner child only wants to do childish things, most of the time, so I guess that's what I did on my mental health birthday - but even that proves to be quite a challenge for me. I felt on edge the entire day, I felt guilty and weird. Every time I talk about this I cry and I feel embarrassed. Also, this post has taken me 2 weeks to write. I'm happy I did it and that I went trough with the birthday but accepting change is hard. It's hard coming to terms with the fact that I won't get my childhood back and that I need to live it now - and set up little days like this to celebrate my life. To give little Jolien what she always deserved.

Post a Comment

Instagram follow @joliennathalie