I talk beauty & mental health

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

6 Common Life Lessons I Disagree With & Why You Should Stop Believing Them Too

joliennathalie.com

One of my favorite hobbies at the moment is disagreeing with absolutely anything and anyone, especially on the internet - or so it seems. I'm guessing I just have a lot to say about all the 'popular opinions' that have been going around for a while. People like to mindlessly repeat what they are told, without giving actual thought to what they are saying and without one ounce of critical thinking - as if they don't actually have a brain of their own. I believe that it is my formal duty, as an online creator, to remind you that words mean things and that they don't have less of an impact just because you don't know any better. So, here are 6 common life lessons that I disagree with and that I think you should stop believing too. You're welcome.

1) The past is in the past

For someone who's suffered psychological trauma, the past is not in the past, it's very much in the present. It is something you deal with on daily basis. I think a lot of us very much underestimate the extent to which our past influences our present. As someone who's suffered childhood trauma I can give you many examples of things that I do which are heavily influenced by what happened to me as a kid. Having to come to terms with something incredibly upsetting - by telling yourself or others 'the past is in the past', is just another way to disregard feelings that so desperately need to be dealt with. Sure, it doesn't help to dwell on the past, but some of us need (professional) help to deal and heal from past situations. This day and age, people aren't even allowed to feel anymore and that is wrong. It's okay to feel and it's okay to be upset about something that has happened to you, no matter how small or how stupid you think it is. It's about taking responsibility and recognising that you are hurt. Saying things like this aren't helpful and don't improve anyone's mental health. Don't just tell someone they'll get over it, it's not right.

2) Get out of your comfort zone

Something that I've learned from my therapist is that you have your comfort zone and you have a panic zone. The panic zone is not something you want or need to get into. Having been in therapy for 2 years I've learned it's important to know your boundaries. Getting out of your comfort zone requires planning and preparation, if you feel like you're throwing yourself into the deep end, that's not the kind of 'getting out of your comfort zone' that is healthy. Everyone's boundaries are different and need to be respected. It's good to get out of your comfort zone but only when you feel ready. Personally, I think there's no point in getting out of your comfort zone if it isn't something that sounds sustainable. I, for a fact, have no interest in burning out just because I wasn't ready to commit to something. Also, there's absolutely nothing wrong staying in the comfort zone, if you're perfectly happy and healthy doing so. I think there's this misconception that getting out of your comfort zone is something that needs to be done - to live life to the fullest, it's not. You do you and that's all that matters.

3) Be single for a while

I'm 28 and I have not been single for a good 11 years. I'm a serial monogamist. I'm also someone who's never really had a big friend group. Being single, for me, would mean I'd have absolutely no social interactions and no life. Barely leaving my house is probably one of my favorite activities. I like cuddles, food and a smart person to talk to once in a while. How would being single benefit me in any way, shape or form? Never in a million years would I go out more, it's just not me. People believe that someone who constantly dates or wanders around from relationship to relationship is needy, weak and not independent, well I have news for you - being single doesn't mean you're fiercely independent either. There's a difference between dating all the time and being involved in toxic relationships. Toxic relationships are everywhere and they can happen to anyone. My dysfunctional family is a great example, or a group of 'friends' with no interest in your personal happiness is another one, so being single doesn't change a thing. Whether you are together with a person that is good for you and grows with you - that is a whole different ballgame. If anything, learning to love yourself really is the goal here.

4) You know who your real friends are when times get tough

If I ever stop talking to you and remove you from my life, I hope you understand how hard it was for me. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, it means that I wasn't happy with the condition of our relationship. Maybe boundaries were crossed, maybe you couldn't take no for an answer - and I didn't know how to communicate that to you. Friends should be there for you when times get tough, yes, but you also need to realise that some friends might let you go because you need to do some healing on your own. Friends can't fix you. No one can fix you. You need to do your fixing on your own. No one, but you, is responsible for your problems. Some of your friends might not want to get dragged into the pile of shit you created for yourself. Real friends tell you how it is and if you don't like it that's on you. What people don't realise is that it can be hard to be a good friend when times get tough, whether that's for personal reasons or because everything seems just a little too overwhelming. It's okay for people to take a step back, maybe you should do the same.

5) Be yourself

A lot is expected from us, all the time, and trying to be yourself just isn't that simple sometimes. It's hard to be yourself, especially if you haven't had time to grow or have had time to find out who you are. In my experience, I found this particularly hard when the person saying it just didn't seem to allow me to be myself in the first place. Like they had their own mind made up of who I was supposed to be, not who I wanted to be. I always felt like their expectations were too high and that I couldn't live up to them. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Being yourself when your self worth is in shambles is tough. Self confidence is a journey and somehow we're all expected to be on top of if all the time, to solve our problems by 'just being ourselves'. To have your shit together. To always know what you want. It's not realistic, some of us simply don't have the tools yet. It's okay to be searching, everyone has a different path. Being lost shouldn't be something that is demonised.

6) Happiness is a choice

I believe that people are responsible for their own happiness but I don't believe that happiness is a choice. I think there is a difference between consciously choosing to do things that make you happy and choosing to be happy. For someone who struggles with mental illness being sad isn't a choice. No one wants to be sad all the time. If happiness really were a choice, everyone would be happy. Just like with any physical illness, mental illness isn't something that you sign up for. As someone who battles anxiety and depression on a daily basis, I find it very discouraging and upsetting to see things like this in my feed - as it almost insinuates that I'm not sick but that I am simply not choosing to be happy. Happiness isn't a choice because there absolutely are situations in life that are completely out of your control and they do affect you regardless of any choice that you can consciously make. I am choosing to get better, yes, but that doesn't make me a happy person. Happiness isn't about simply flipping a switch, happiness is something that needs to be taught and nurtured, not everyone is given that possibility.
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8 comments

  1. Interesting post!

    https://julesonthemoon.blogspot.com/

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  2. I agree with all of the above. Specially the points #1, #3, and #6. I'm in a relationship for 5 years and a half, and it's really good when two people evolve together. I would close on my on shell as well if I were single, at this point I can say that I don't even know if I would be alive if I didn't have this person by my side, so single is overrated.

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    1. Same, I also love that not only is my boyfriend my boyfriend, he's also my best friend and that is such a beautiful thing to have! Xxx

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  3. Love this post, point 2 rings particularly well, I really don't get what's wrong with comfort X)
    If there is a thing I could add it would be "everyone's ideas are worthy of respect" I think that this day and age just because communicating and sharing thought it's so easy people lost touch with decency and try to sell themselves as experts in whatever field: now everyone is 1. an economist, 2. a politician, 3. an engineer, 4. a doctor, 5. an astronaut, 6. an artist, 7. a professional sportsman, even when all they ever experienced is the pub at the corner. Ok, I am good now :))
    Becca Xxxx

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    1. Hi Becca! Hope you're well :* Thanks, haha I see! People love labels too much, it's makes them forget the what and the why, it's a little silly. I'm sure I'm guilty of it as well, but people defo get carried away, that's for sure! Xxx

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  4. wow, it is so nice to hear someone talking from a different perspective, or at least, one with which we are not conforted that often.
    #2 - you should always have place within your comfort zone, otherwise you will be so lost!

    Can you write the 2nd part to this? :)

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    1. Thanks, I really appreciate you saying that, it honestly has made my day :D I hadn't thought about doing a part 2 but it's a great idea, I've started the post already and I soon I'll have couple more I'd love to share! Have a nice day and thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment :* Xxx

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