Coping With Holiday Blues & Other Issues

September 20, 2018

Even though I've made progress mental health wise, I haven't really mentioned the fact that I've actually been struggling loads since we've been back from our Summer holidays. Overall, I do have a more positive mindset and outlook on life, but my attitude in the last month or so has been very up and down. I'm cranky and angry, I've been crying a lot and I have been having those headaches where the pain stretches all the way down to the back my neck. At first I told myself - oh these post holiday blues are so real - but it seems like they are never ending and I'm just a little confused as to how I haven't managed to pick myself up again.

I haven't talked much about my Summer holidays on my socials but it genuinely was the best vacation I've ever had in my entire life. Ever. I visited so much, I ate loads of good food, I was in great company and it was just an absolute blast. Filled with joy, that's what I was. I knew I'd have a hard time being back home but oddly enough it didn't hit me straight away. I still was just as jolly until about a week and a half later. My boyfriend Marco then left for another trip and I fell into a pool of sadness. I wasn't sad because he left (or maybe a little) I just felt really lost and drained. It was good that I'd already made plans and organised my meals, but I didn't have any motivation to do anything else, apart from that. Therapy was also about to start and I hadn't gone for a month. Though I have been struggling, I'm much more conscious of my behaviour now, and much more aware of the patterns I create. I noticed that the closer I come to my therapy appointments, the worse I feel. As if I'm making myself feel bad to have something to talk about, not on purpose of course but it's definitely on my mind. I told my therapist that I'd actually thought about going even less because I was doing so well but after further self evaluation (lol) I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to get too excited too fast. Point is, before my holidays I was almost ready to actually update my CV after 4 years, to get back to work. I was feeling good and I told myself 'I can do this', yet here I am again feeling like poop. Avoiding people and social situations in general. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want anyone coming over and I'm having to prioritise my own wellbeing more than ever.

Managing my feelings hasn't been easy. I started overthinking again, feeling guilty, committing to activities not because I want to but because I feel like I have to. I'm having a hard time putting myself first and being honest with the people I have around me. It's exhausting. Whenever I feel like this I get angry at myself, I wonder what I'm doing and why I can't get a grip. I don't like feeling uneasy, it scares the shit out of me. Recovery comes with some serious ups and downs, I know that but I wish I could be a more rational person when this happens. Be able to think more clearly and not be so scared. My therapist has told me that I'm peeling away another layer of the onion and it's causing some regression in my recovery. If you're currently in therapy, I'm sure you've heard this onion thing before. Peeling the onion means that you're getting to the bottom of your issues and that you're healing, you're opening up wounds to make them better again. The anger I have inside are unspoken feelings I have towards my parents and it's causing me to be snappy and impatient with those who are close to me. I told my therapist that I'm desperately trying to find a name for my childhood trauma and she said we'll work on it next time. I've been walking around with the idea that I'm sad because I'm confused about my upbringing but as it turns out I'm sad because I have started to understand how things were not okay and how I'm going to help myself to move forward.

During times like this it also takes me a while to be creative and productive again when it comes to my blog. I have loads of PR samples (I want) to go through but the more it keeps piling up the more I'm afraid of disappointing companies I love working with. Instagram giving bloggers and influencers a hard time by not making any content visible to most of their follower's count isn't helping my mood at all either. It's honestly hard not to let it get to you and I'm not sure that people who aren't bloggers understand how frustrating that can be. I've talked about it on my instagram account and the reactions were very mixed. I'm fully aware that my content has changed loads in the past months and I don't expect everyone to be fine with it but I genuinely thought that if people don't like whatever I am posting at the moment, that they'd just move on. Apparently some of you haven't and are still expecting things to be different, or like they were before. They won't, I'm sorry. I like where my content is headed and I'm sure things will be evolving but I'm not going back to what I used to do.

I feel a lot more freedom with the way I'm creating content now and I'm much happier with how everything is looking. As I said in my post, I'm not asking for people to mindlessly like my stuff, or any other content on the platform for that matter, I'm simply explaining that if you like what a blogger does - to please not be shy about showing your support by liking and commenting on their images. It honestly makes a huge difference. Anyway, I'm hoping that I'll feel better, now that I've written everything down. It sucks to be in such a bad mood for so long and not really know what to do with yourself. I'm happy I finally get to share some nice snapshots of my holiday though! All of these were taken in (mostly) Southern Italy. I visited Naples, Salerno, Amalfi and Sorrento. We went to Rome for a couple of days as well, on our way back home, it was so hot.

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