Confessions Of A Stay At Home Girlfriend

September 08, 2018

I got major baby fever at 23, I really wanted a child, I really wanted to be pregnant. Now at 28, not so much anymore. I got scared. I got a little reality check. I learned a lot whilst being in therapy, about family dynamics, about being neglected as a child, about being humiliated and emotionally abused. Today, I am afraid of being a bad mom, about making the same mistakes my parents did. I'm afraid of potentially having to deal with severe postpartum depression and for all the changes my body would go through. At 23 I didn't even give that a second thought, how physically and emotionally demanding it is for a woman, to carry and have a child. On my blog I write about mental health, beauty and more recently a lot of lifestyle topics - such as quitting birth control and body confidence. I like my body now, a lot, and the fact that I didn't enjoy or appreciate it when I was younger makes me sad but also makes me admire and respect my body so much more today. I do have to admit that, somehow, thinking of having children has turned into something that just isn't worth it to me. Not anymore. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which has caused me to be in a lot of physical pain, and now that I've overcome so much - I just can't imagine having a family.

I feel as if I've been dealt all the wrong cards. Not only do I struggle with my mental health (and realistically speaking probably will for my entire existence), for 4 years of my life I also couldn't remember what it was like not to have any pelvic pains. I had what felt like an UTI, for 4 fucking years. It was absolutely savage. I think it actually did start with some kind of an infection for real - but then it slowly turned into ehm .. hell. There were times where I couldn't sit or walk, I couldn't go to sleep without a hot water bottle between my legs and I would often wake up at night crying because I was in so much pain. Before this, my sex life was great - now I have a whole check list that needs to be covered or I'm not engaging in any sexual activities. Sounds miserable but it's really not. I'm just careful and so is my partner. I'm really afraid that it will come back at some point, I still have issues sometimes, but since I've understood that most of my physical pains stem from stress, it's been a lot easier. Thankfully, I have a gynaecologist that is very supportive, which I praise myself extremely lucky for, and lets not forget boyfriend and my therapist.

So with that being said, putting my hooha through something as traumatic as child birth, just doesn't seem like a healthy option to me at the moment. Having your body invaded and stretched into every possible direction, risk ripping your vagina trying to push out another human being, I don't think so. Not to mention the raging hormones during and after pregnancy. Sounds like a nightmare. Mental health is no joke. I'm a person who's very much at risk for postpartum depression and I don't take that lightly. I recently discovered that depression during pregnancy also is a thing! How?! I honestly can't believe it. As a woman you spend the majority of your life trying not to get pregnant, until the 'time is right'. Time, which for most of us isn't even in our favour, as the eggs we have might just have already started rotting away in our ovaries, and then when we're actually ready - there's about million more problems that come in to play trying to host a baby in our belly for 9 months.

Sometimes I wish I still were as ignorant as I was at 23. I'm really glad and relieved that I didn't actually get pregnant then because I would have never made it this far in my mental health journey and I wouldn't have been ready. I'm not even ready now and we're 5 years on. More often than not, I'm told that there is no such thing as the 'right time' for anything - I might be freaking myself out, true, but I also think that these are legitimate concerns. I'm nearly 30 and it's just bizarre to always have imagined yourself having kids and then realise it's just not that simple. Even though I've been doing good and I'm very proud of all the progress I've made health wise, I still feel like I'm catching up on life, on things I missed out on. I'm enjoying being alive, breathing, healing, changing and I'm not willing to give up on that. Being aware of my needs is something I am not used to and it makes everything so much more scary. 

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