I talk beauty & mental health

Saturday, 2 June 2018

The 2 Year Therapy Update

Mental Health Update

I'm going to be honest, even though they were weekly appointments, 2 years of therapy flew by very quickly. I can't believe it's been this long. I remember my first appointment like it was yesterday. Having said that I still go to therapy now, twice a month, which was a decision I made. I felt like my sessions were being more productive that way. My therapist happened to be absent quite often at the end of last year and it actually suited me well. With progress comes a lot of changes and that not only in my personal life but also on my socials. It's been rather quiet on my blog lately and I wanted to talk about that. I feel as if I took a huge leap in my recovery, that I've made some very big improvements but maybe too much too fast. I'm overwhelmed and I'm in a period again where I'm just really tired and I haven't been productive at all as a blogger. The best part of this situation, surprisingly, is that I've finally figured out why - it's because I can't accept that I can succeed.

I tend to fall into self sabotage mode when things are going good for me, when it comes to succeeding, being recognised. Last year was the first time I was invited as a blogger to a L'Oreal master class and even though it was fun, it was so overwhelming for me that I fell into a dark hole and, pretty much, became a bit of a useless blogger. I wasn't active on my socials for over 6 months after that event. I have a hard time accepting that I can actually do something. I'm very bad at being my own cheerleader and because having low self esteem and no self confidence is all I know, it has become a bit of a bad habit for me to crawl back into that place where all I can think of is that I can't make shit happen. I also treat my personal progress a little bit as a secret because I'm afraid that if I actually tell people, if I say out loud, about how well I am doing that everything will be gone in the blink of an eye. That it's not real anymore. That it won't be real anymore.

Being In Therapy For 2 Years

My therapist has told me that I'm afraid because I'm starting to form an opinion about everything that happens around me, which is something I wasn't allowed to do as a child. Everything was always determined for me. She said that I'm starting to distinguish what is real and what is simply the anxiety or depression talking. That I'm very aware of my triggers. That I'm getting a clear idea of what my boundaries are and where I want to focus my energy. That I'm slowly but surely am getting to know myself and am starting to discover what I want and also what I don't. Making progress is scary and, for me personally, it also comes with a lot of guilt. I wish accepting success were something that came easy for me, so there is still work to do - but I'm slowly getting there and I'm excited.

2 years of therapy might be a long time and as impatient as I am - I do know that this is my journey and my journey only. The most important part for me is that I celebrate my victories and that I truly believe that I have come a long way. I'm very much looking forward to the future for the first time in my life and I'm so proud of that. I'm a little down in the dumps again at the moment - but who isn't when they're about to get their period and have their spring allergies flaring up? A little outing for some cake and coffee always helps though! I took these pictures with my phone by the way, aren't they pretty!? I never post images on my blog that I make with my iPhone because I think the quality sucks but these are dope, I can't wait to create more content like this!

2 Years In Recovery Update
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4 comments

  1. Oh my... this post resonates so much with me, it's uncanny. Glad to hear that you are getting to know yourself better and starting to accept your successes. Looking forward to your victories :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! :* (I had to look up uncanny lol)

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  2. Amazing post!!

    https://julesonthemoon.blogspot.com

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