I've been thinking a lot about how I'd follow up on my come back post 'We Need To Talk' because, to be completely honest, I'm a little nervous putting this up as I genuinely did not expect my previous post to be as successful as it was. You were all so supportive and I cannot thank you enough. 2018 got off to a rough start: new beginnings, new goals, new years resolutions, loads of changes - it all scares the absolute shit out of me. It makes me doubt the things I do and not only do I doubt myself when it comes to my blog but I also doubt you - and for that I feel like I owe you a bit of an apology.

I had an interesting session with my therapist today about the concept of shame. Something that has pretty much been taking over my life for the past months. I'm embarrassed about who I am, what I am, the person I used to be. I'm stuck and I feel sorry for myself pretty much all of the time. I'm so ashamed that I'm unable to even leave the house. My therapist told me to take my shame and visualise it in the chair that she put right next to me. I have a pretty wild imagination so - I threw my shame in that chair so quickly, you have no idea. Next up was me having to tell my shame to leave with hand motions and choosing/moving other objects in the room that would represent my goals and my self-esteem. We were trying to get a gist of how I interact with all of the objects - objects that now are the things and feelings I struggle with. My goals were closest to me, then my shame and then my self-esteem. I didn't want to touch my goals and my shame came crawling back pretty fast, sliding off that chair like a little snake back onto my shoulders. Even though I suffer the weight, I felt empty without it - meaning that I'm holding on to what's familiar but toxic and unhealthy. I felt indifferent towards my self-esteem but somehow couldn't stop looking at my goals. I was asked to move towards my goals but I didn't want to. Yet, my goals were right there.

The only thing holding me back from living my life is me. I always want to start living tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll start from scratch again. I recently saw a documentary about mental illness and one of the girls, roughly my age, had been sick for already 10 years. She graduated from school but never worked a job because of her struggles. Her doctor briefly mentioned that because she's been sick for so long the world became an incredibly scary place, causing her to relapse over and over again and miss out on so many opportunities. Missing out on what young people should be doing, enjoying life, travel, make friends. It made me incredibly sad - because I saw myself.