I'd never thought I'd go this long without uploading a Youtube video. A lot of you, I'm sure, are a little confused and probably wonder why - but if it's to any consolation, I am also wondering why. I love making and posting content on Youtube, I really do, but for the past few months a lot of anxiety has been attached to all the filming and the planning. So much so that at some point, as you have noticed, I just stopped filming entirely.

Yes, I have been taking a break to prioritise my mental health but also to figure things out. I've been thinking about how I missed out on so much, when I was a child, that at this very moment I'm trying to 'catch up' in a sense. To make sure I do and find out what I like and what I want in life. I feel like everything that I am working on now I should have done when I was teenager. The filming, the photographing, the writing. I've always been one to be late to the party, with everything, but this time I'm like - really late and I find it embarrassing. I'm also angry, especially at my parents - not only because I couldn't do what I wanted to do when I was little but also because today, they don't give a shit about what I do - or they think they do but really don't.

I watched a video of girl whose mom passed away, a while ago, and she was talking about how her mother was so supportive about her Youtube channel. I felt tears welling up. I used to go horseback riding, I did for at least 3 or 4 years, and my mom only ever came to see me riding once. I loved horse back riding, more than anything in the world. It was the one thing where I actually felt confident about myself, where I was sure of what I was doing. It made me feel like life was worth living, like I was worth it. I've always dreamed of riding again, I thought I'd have a horse of my own in my twenties but I'm almost 30 now and I don't have a job. I'm late, always late - and now I'm sitting here crying and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not sure when I'm going to start uploading videos again but I don't think it will be any time soon. Blogging and writing have been a great escape for me and I'm very much enjoying it. I don't have to look perfect when I blog or have my makeup on fleek. I can just lounge in the couch with greasy hair in my pj's and write away, edit photos and plan my posts (cause I do that now haha, I never planned anything before). I think another reason why I haven't been that motivated to film is because my skin has been acting up. I don't only have acne on my face now but also on my back. I've never had acne before so it's been messing with me a lot. My face is red from all the products I've been using and it's not a pretty look. I've been to the doctor and he is confident there is nothing to worry about so I'm trying to let everything heal and make sure I stay hydrated.

To be honest I didn't think this post would turn out this long, or be this personal. I just wanted to write why I haven't been present on my Youtube channel and then all this other stuff came up. I hope you don't mind. I don't mean to be angry at my parents in every personal post or blame them for all the issues in my life but I've been connecting a lot of dots in my therapy sessions and it's been a little overwhelming. I'm very annoyed with my parents because they were stuck in their ways back then and even though things are bad today, they're still stuck in their ways and I'm disappointed they don't see the need for change.