As most of you have noticed I haven't been very active on my social media these past weeks. Where I'm usually able to talk through and about my emotions, by sharing it with all of you, for some reason I can't even bring myself to do that, I'm completely stuck. I feel shame and sadness mostly. Not so long ago I was ready to tell my therapist I only wanted to see her once every other week, and at this very moment I feel like I've been defeated by mental illness once again. I've been trying to scrap my feelings together that, in my head, are dispersed all over the floor and somehow I don't seem to be able to pick them all up. I feel like a mess.

My anxiety has been really bad and I haven't been the social butterfly I was lately. I've locked myself up at home, surviving on 'adulting', mostly. Doing laundry, keeping my house clean, healthy eating, run errands and do groceries. Whenever I think about making a Youtube video for my channel or making pictures for my blog with my new Canon, my anxiety goes through the roof. I think I'm not good enough, I think of all the content that I've made and how I wish I could erase everything and start all over again. How easy it would be if I could just erase my entire past and start my life all over again. I feel guilty because sometimes all I am able to do is watch countless animal documentaries or listen to the music on my iPod. I look for job offers and whenever I find something that I like I get scared and never end up sending my CV. I think of what my future employer will think of all my online content. My tweets, my mental health posts, my sassy Youtube self. I think about how long my boyfriend will still be able to deal with all my highs and lows. I feel sorry for myself and I'm disappointed, I was doing so well and made so much progress. My therapist told me to take it slow, to allow my emotions to get out of my system. Often times I want to cry and I don't, I want to feel and I don't. I should feel and I don't. My grandmother had somewhat of a stroke in front of me at the dinner table the other weekend, I didn't panic and I didn't lose it, somehow when shit goes down I never really lose it. I held my grandmothers' hand and thought about doing the right thing. My grandma is fine now, but she did spend a couple hours at the ER and I did think that she was going to die. I didn't shed a tear and that makes me sad. I wanted to cry when the ambulance crew was taking her away, but my grandpa's face was filled with horror and I felt like I needed to protect him, and myself in a way.

I'm pretty sure the experience with my grandma triggered some kind of emotion but they were delayed, it is only now that I feel extremely down and have this awful low self-esteem. I don't really know how to deal with it. I've been told I fell back into a coping mechanism I used as a child, old habits so to speak, where I just completely shut down. I desperately want to get back up and I feel like I can't. It makes me really upset when I hear people say that you just need to keep on going, keep it moving, get back up when something brings you down, because when I keep on moving, I can feel that my body is tired and that I am wounded. A wounded person needs to heal first, my therapist said.