Honest About Beauty

Sunday, 22 October 2017

Why I'm Quitting Youtube For A While


I'd never thought I'd go this long without uploading a Youtube video. A lot of you, I'm sure, are a little confused and probably wonder why - but if it's to any consolation, I am also wondering why. I love making and posting content on Youtube, I really do, but for the past few months a lot of anxiety has been attached to all the filming and the planning. So much so that at some point, as you have noticed, I just stopped filming entirely.

Yes, I have been taking a break to prioritise my mental health but also to figure things out. I've been thinking about how I missed out on so much, when I was a child, that at this very moment I'm trying to 'catch up' in a sense. To make sure I do and find out what I like and what I want in life. I feel like everything that I am working on now I should have done when I was teenager. The filming, the photographing, the writing. I've always been one to be late to the party, with everything, but this time I'm like - really late and I find it embarrassing. I'm also angry, especially at my parents - not only because I couldn't do what I wanted to do when I was little but also because today, they don't give a shit about what I do - or they think they do but really don't.

I watched a video of girl whose mom passed away, a while ago, and she was talking about how her mother was so supportive about her Youtube channel. I felt tears welling up. I used to go horseback riding, I did for at least 3 or 4 years, and my mom only ever came to see me riding once. I loved horse back riding, more than anything in the world. It was the one thing where I actually felt confident about myself, where I was sure of what I was doing. It made me feel like life was worth living, like I was worth it. I've always dreamed of riding again, I thought I'd have a horse of my own in my twenties but I'm almost 30 now and I don't have a job. I'm late, always late - and now I'm sitting here crying and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not sure when I'm going to start uploading videos again but I don't think it will be any time soon. Blogging and writing have been a great escape for me and I'm very much enjoying it. I don't have to look perfect when I blog or have my makeup on fleek. I can just lounge in the couch with greasy hair in my pj's and write away, edit photos and plan my posts (cause I do that now haha, I never planned anything before). I think another reason why I haven't been that motivated to film is because my skin has been acting up. I don't only have acne on my face now but also on my back. I've never had acne before so it's been messing with me a lot. My face is red from all the products I've been using and it's not a pretty look. I've been to the doctor and he is confident there is nothing to worry about so I'm trying to let everything heal and make sure I stay hydrated.

To be honest I didn't think this post would turn out this long, or be this personal. I just wanted to write why I haven't been present on my Youtube channel and then all this other stuff came up. I hope you don't mind. I don't mean to be angry at my parents in every personal post or blame them for all the issues in my life but I've been connecting a lot of dots in my therapy sessions and it's been a little overwhelming. I'm very annoyed with my parents because they were stuck in their ways back then and even though things are bad today, they're still stuck in their ways and I'm disappointed they don't see the need for change.

Photo by: Helena Hertz

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10 comments

  1. I swear, I never could do youtube simply because I wouldn't be able to handle how toxic and vile the comment sections there tend to be.

    *hugs* Take all the time you need, but if you enjoyed making videos, DON'T be afraid to go back to it just because you've been "away from it for so long". I know it gets harder to get back into the swing of things the longer you've been away from them which can be a huge anxiety-trap again. XP

    If it helps, I'm 41 and only now starting to get a handle on a lot of the issues in my life. I'm chipping away at them, chunk by tiny chunk. I have an appointment with a psychologist in November, and it's a good thing my social worker organized it and will accompany me—else it's extremely likely I'd just chicken out of it. Next step 2018: Therapy. I hope.

    As for your acne—booh, that sucks. :( I finally got RID of mine three years ago. It only comes back for a few days at a certain time of the month now, and in Summer when I sweat a lot. What's helped me immensely and made all the difference is BHA peelings. The downside of it (which I happily accept for acne-free skin) is, though, it makes your skin photosensitive, so using sun protection is a MUST. Paula's Choice is my brand of choice, they also explain very well on their site how chemical peelings work. Maybe it's something you'd like to look into, if your acne doesn't go away on its own. And no, they don't pay me. *laughs*

    Wishing you all the best,
    Sandra

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    Replies
    1. Hi Sandra, thank you so much for your thoughtful message and for your tips! I remember you telling me about the social worker who's helping you to figure things out, I'm so happy to hear you have someone that is willing to come with you to your appointments, I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have Marco by my side! It's all just so scary. I have yet to try some products from Paula's Choice, but now that I know they're not being paid, I'll take a look at their website ;) Xxx hugs & kisses!

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  2. You should take all the time you need, Jolien! Mental health is more important than YouTube! ♥

    xoxo
    Shirley

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  3. Heey... wat naar allemaal! Moedig dat je dat zo opschrijft hier.

    Ik kan me de druk van YouTube-filmpjes maken helemaal voorstellen en het is altijd het beste om eerst naar jezelf te luisteren.

    Ook erg naar om te lezen dat je zo'n jeugd hebt gehad waarbij jouw ouders gewoon helemaal niet betrokken en ondersteunend zijn geweest. Dat kan ik me helemaal niet voorstellen als ik naar mijn eigen ouders kijk. Ik hoop dat je die steun en liefde nu via andere wegen krijgt. :)

    Hopelijk heeft jouw arts het bij het goede eind en trekt jouw acne vanzelf weg.

    Ondanks dit alles, hoop ik dat je een fijn weekend hebt!

    Hugs,
    Natas

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    Replies
    1. Dankjewel, schrijven doet altijd deugt, dan kan ik dat allemaal even loslaten en mijn vriend helpt ook natuurlijk :) Xxx

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  4. Your mental health is and will always be more important than Youtube, your blog or any of your other social medias. xx

    Melina | www.ivefoundwaldo.com

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  5. I just wanted to say I just stumbled upon yout Youtube channel and your blog today and have been browsing through and thoroughly enjoying both of them. You have such an easy manner infront of the camera and are realy funny and your blog post and photos are really polished, one can immediately tell you put a lot of love and effort into both. I hope you feel better soon and find some way to let go of the past, find happiness in the things you have today and new courage for an even brighter future...all in your own time :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Mikka, thank you so much for your kind message! I was almost in tears when I read it in my inbox yesterday, you're so sweet. It really means a lot, hope you have the most amazing day! Xxx :*

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