Honest About Beauty

Friday, 8 September 2017

Trying To Get Back Up When Depression Beats You Down


As most of you have noticed I haven't been very active on my social media these past weeks. Where I'm usually able to talk through and about my emotions, by sharing it with all of you, for some reason I can't even bring myself to do that, I'm completely stuck. I feel shame and sadness mostly. Not so long ago I was ready to tell my therapist I only wanted to see her once every other week, and at this very moment I feel like I've been defeated by mental illness once again. I've been trying to scrap my feelings together that, in my head, are dispersed all over the floor and somehow I don't seem to be able to pick them all up. I feel like a mess.

My anxiety has been really bad and I haven't been the social butterfly I was lately. I've locked myself up at home, surviving on 'adulting', mostly. Doing laundry, keeping my house clean, healthy eating, run errands and do groceries. Whenever I think about making a Youtube video for my channel or making pictures for my blog with my new DSLR my anxiety goes through the roof. I think I'm not good enough, I think of all the content that I've made and how I wish I could erase everything and start all over again. How easy it would be if I could just erase my entire past and start my life all over again. I feel guilty because sometimes all I am able to do is watch countless animal documentaries or listen to the music on my iPod. I look for job offers and whenever I find something that I like I get scared and never end up sending my CV. I think of what my future employer will think of all my online content. My tweets, my mental health posts, my sassy Youtube self. I think about how long my boyfriend will still be able to deal with all my highs and lows.

I feel sorry for myself and I'm disappointed, I was doing so well and made so much progress. My therapist told me to take it slow, to allow my emotions to get out of my system. Often times I want to cry and I don't, often times I want to feel and I don't. I should feel and I don't. My grandmother had somewhat of a stroke in front of me at the dinner table the other weekend, I didn't panic and I didn't lose it, somehow when shit goes down I never really lose it. I held my grandmothers' hand and thought about doing the right thing. My grandma is fine now, but she did spend a couple hours at the ER and I did think that she was going to die. I didn't shed a tear, and that makes me sad. I wanted to cry when the ambulance crew was taking her away, but my grandpa's face was filled with horror and I felt like I needed to protect him, and myself in a way.

To be honest I'm not really sure what triggered my down days, and this awful low self-esteem. I know what sort of things contributed to it, for sure, but I don't really know how to deal with them. I've been told I fell back into a coping mechanism I used as a child, old habits so to speak, where I just completely shut down. I desperately want to get back up and I feel like I can't.  It makes me really upset when I hear people say that you just need to keep on going, keep it moving, get back up when something brings you down, because when I keep on moving, I can feel that my body is tired and that I am wounded. A wounded person needs to heal first, my therapist said.


Image by: Lizzie
SHARE:

2 comments

  1. *long comment warning*
    Yesterday, as I was waiting for a job interview I opened my Instagram and read your post (and then the full article). I was feeling so anxious like hell, even though I knew nothing really bad could come from this thing, but since developing depression and living the consequences of it, a really stupid fear and anxiety developed as well and it limits me like crazy (like you said about applying for jobs). I don't have any suggestion for you or advice, just wanted to say that while I was living an anxious moment and reading your post, I engraved in my head that at least one other person was having the same issues and it sorta gave me some more strength to face things. So thank you, and thank you for reading this (if you have).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How brave of you to face your fears, I'm sorry to hear you're having issues with your mental health. I hope your interview went well and I'm very happy that my post put you a little bit at ease. Be proud of yourself and practice lots of self care, I am proud of you! I hope one day I can make it to an interview again, like I used to a years ago without having my anxiety holding me back. I hope you had an amazing weekend and know that your comment made me smile when I saw it in my inbox, I also got a little teary-eyed, thank you for sharing ♥︎

      Delete

Blogger Template Created by pipdig