Honest About Beauty

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Therapy Update: Regretting Your Past


It's been a long time since I've made a therapy update, mostly because I've been enjoying living my life as a (rather) happy person, but also because I don't really know what to say anymore. I've chatted about this on my Snapchat, that I feel like I'm done talking about my childhood and my upsetting experiences with my therapist. It's not that I think I'm healed from trauma or that I have processed absolutely everything, I'm literally just at a loss for words. Going to therapy for more than a year has truly been the most eye opening experience I've ever had, and I guess I'm just trying to deal with the magnitude of it all. When I think of all the things I have learned, about myself, about family, friends and mental illness in itself, I am relieved but I'm also horrified. I'm slowly but surely quite embarrassed for some of my behaviour and thoughts I've had in the past.

The last time that I felt like a worthless piece of shit that wanted to die was - I don't even remember when. It's amazing but also weird not to have those thoughts on a daily basis anymore. I've been struggling with depression for years and to finally experience for myself that it isn't normal for a person to feel like that is just mind blowing. It's making me realise that you truly are a product of the environment you grow up within. Depression and anxiety is something that runs in my family, and having not only myself but also my parents and siblings think that you have to live your life being absolutely miserable forever, is just beyond me at this point. I believe that I talked about slowly disconnecting from my family in my last post, about the guilt that comes with it but also the freedom! I'm no longer stuck in that vicious cycle of self destruction and not only is it making me feel and live better, I'm finally making steps towards living a healthier and happy life. With that unfortunately come a couple of other things that have been on my mind a lot lately.

I'm embarrassed of the person I was before getting better, about things I did, things I thought, things I said, poor decisions I made. I didn't know any better and I've been told that 'it is not my fault', but being judged for past behaviour seems to be a trend these days, especially on the internet, and it honestly freaks me out. I see people punishing others over and over again for mistakes they've made and I fear the same will happen to me when it comes to people I've worked with, friends, exes etc. People I don't see anymore, mostly because I've moved away, cut them out or have simply avoided. I asked my therapist why cutting people out of my life is not a issue for me and she explained it is an act of self care. She said I'm not burning bridges, I'm simply closing them, because that is the right thing to do, for now.

Photo by STIL on Unsplash

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