It's been a while since I've written about my therapy sessions and how I've been coping with anxiety and depression. My last posts were pretty dramatic, talking about how disappointed I was with my treatment, how I wanted to switch therapists, and so on and so forth. I also never talked about the two major mental breakdowns I had during a couple of sessions and how that actually became a breakthrough for my recovery.
The break up
I think my therapist was completely shook after I became hysterical in her office, twice. I told her how I was tired of hearing her say I am fine, when everything in my head is a total mess. How I was so tired of hearing her say I have nothing, when all I do is suffering. The third appointment came about a month later, due to some holidays, and that was the session where told her I wasn't going to come anymore. I could tell it wasn't her first time she'd heard it from a patient, she didn't even blink, maybe she wasn't surprised. While she was gone I had also cancelled the appointment with the substitute therapist, weeks before hand. She asked me why and I told her I felt like I was treated like an idiot (yes, I said it just like that) and that my issues were not taken seriously. Especially the fact that I'm a highly sensitive person, which means that everything I see, hear and smell has a major impact on my wellbeing. Everything that I talked about in her office had been down played and underestimated from the very beginning and I told her I was sick of it. She was taken back by my statements for sure, but she did say she could help me, wants to help me get better and that she knows there is still a lot of work to do.
Therapy is not black & white
My sessions completely changed after that, for the better, and I feel like I've been making a lot of progress again. I haven't cancelled appointments and I don't have to tip toe anymore around labels like depression and anxiety (therapists don't diagnose and you don't have to be diagnosed to go to therapy). I still see my therapist cringe when I talk about how my cycle, for sure, has a lot to do with my mood swings but I guess she'll have to get used to that. I realised it takes breaking down crying for someone to take me seriously. I had no clue I'm very good at making it seem like I have my shit together, which leads me back to the fact that everything is either black or white for me, with no middle ground. I either look like I'm completely fine or I have a full on mental breakdown, so this is currently one of my/our therapy goals, to find the grey area. Find balance.
I do still have questions about diagnosis however and how they supposedly don't have one for me, even though I've been to the psychiatrist in the facility where I'm treated. I find it extremely odd therapists are allowed to give therapy to a person from whom they have no clue what they have. Not that I think everyone has a disorder of course, but I've read that if the right kind of therapy is not applied for certain kinds of mental health conditions it can actually make the patient worse. Personally I find this way of working extremely unhealthy, from a medical point of view. Full medical body checks are also not talked about or recommended. I'm told all the time the body aches I have for example are from being scared and emotional, but how do they really know, when even a simple blood test has not been done? It's definitely something I will be looking into soon, at a regular hospital, just to see if everything is fine because it surely has been on my mind for a while. I've been sick often and I've been wondering if I maybe lack something in my diet and could make some extra lifestyle changes to improve my health.
I know I haven't been posting my monthly self care diaries anymore (hell I only wrote 2), I'll try to get back on to that, but I've noticed that whenever I'm doing well I don't feel the need to write about self care or mental health, I'm still figuring out if that is a good or a bad thing. Today is a bit of a 'low' day for me (which explains why I'm 'in the mood' to write this post) but I can feel it's because of some medicine I'm currently taking (those damn yeast infections). Over the past weeks I have been feeling pretty great, even though things were a bit tough right after the holidays. I was very overwhelmed and my feels were all over the place but I can tell I'm doing so much better than I used to. Even though I still panic when my thoughts go to a dark place again, the positive changes in my behaviour are very apparent, for me at least. You girls can certainly tell I'm better just from the content on my blog, I hope, I'm consistent and I can't get enough of makeup flatlays. Being creative makes me so happy.
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