Honest About Beauty

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Oh Hello Depression, How Are You Doing Today?



The past few weeks have been very hard. My appetite is gone, I'm distracted, forgetful, anxious and lack motivation. I haven't been answering my phone calls and have been ignoring emails. I wake up in the morning and I'm happy, I have breakfast, I shower but then as soon as I have my clothes on I wonder 'why?', followed by an intense and overwhelming sadness. I'm ready for the day and I have no purpose, no goals and absolutely no will to be a part of what is life. 

I feel shame, I feel like a waste of time, money and energy. I feel guilt. I don't look like a slob, I have no addictions and I'm not a negative person, yet I'm so incredibly miserable. My house is clean, laundry is always done and still I feel like I have no grip. I've also been thinking how weird and creepy it is to write (and read) about my issues, as they're only described from my point of view. I find it terrifying because sometimes I have the impression that I have this distraught or deranged view of reality. It's stressing me out tremendously. I doubt every move I make. I ask myself why I'm not dead yet. Why I allow myself to be so sad every day. I don't want to be anymore. I'm so incredibly tired of having to do my duties as a human. Live. 

What you just read is what goes trough my head when depression gets the best of me. As I am writing this, it is still the same day, hours later to be exact, and I finally snapped out of it. I don't want to use the words 'managed to snap out of it', because it's not exactly the way it works. It's very confusing to say the least because everything I wrote is true but is only released in that way when I'm feeling sad. I randomly received an exciting business email just a while ago, and it provided me with an adrenaline shot, one that got me out of bed. Even though I should be happy I'm finally back to my 'productive state' I'm still disappointed in myself. I don't want to need an exciting email to snap out of the poisonous cycle that clouds my brain.

As much as I try to educate myself on depression, I often forget that I'm a survivor. Battling a mental illness like depression can be deadly, and even though depressed me couldn't care less, sober me says that I'm lucky. 


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Picture: Unsplash
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6 comments

  1. Lieve Jolien, deze tekst geeft me kippenvel. Je bent zo sterk en zo mooi. Het is soms zo moeilijk om dagen door te geraken, en ik hoop dat er nog vele schone vooruitzichten mogen opduiken om je een beetje vooruit te slepen. Van je verdient al het geluk dat je kunt krijgen. Geloof me maar.
    Ik stuur een hoop liefs en warmte naar je toe en ik denk vaak aan je.
    Veel liefs, Louise.

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    1. Hey Louise, dankje voor je lieve comment, het betekend echt heel veel voor me! <3 Ik denk nog vaak aan de berichten die we elkaar op Instagram gestuurd hebben, het doet me deugt om te weten dat ik er niet alleen voor sta en dat jij er ook niet alleen voor staat. Dikke zoenen en knuffels! Xxxx <3 <3

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  2. Hi Jolien,
    I really felt your emotions through this post, I actually can relate a lot to it. It's very overwhelming having to deal with something so heavy every single day. I hope you continue to stay as strong as you are! I wish only progress and endless happiness for you dear. I know that at most, we can get through it together <3

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    1. Hey Enxhi, thank you so much for your kind message! I hope we can find day by day enough strength to face the challenge that depression represents! Your support means a lot, so I am glad if a little post can help you feel less "alone". Xxx

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  3. That is so very, very familiar. I am fortunate enough to have left my depression behind me for now (leaving my toxic workplace with the gaslighting manager behind worked wonders), though I still tend to react baffled and confused and with disbelief when I get complimented I've done a good job. Who? Me? Seriously?
    I stopped drinking (three and a half years sober now!). That leaves me with "only" anxiety, being a HSP, and having a sense of self esteem still pretty close to ground level. I have a social worker now who comes to check up on me once a week to help with the things that are terrifying to me: phone calls, accompanying me to doctors, departments, court, dealing with mail and financial things.
    I hope to tackle therapy next. But it's not exactly easy to find a therapist when doing phones tend to trigger panic attacks ...

    Anyhow, back then, it was So Much Worse. Every day was a fight. To get dressed. Force myself to eat something. To show up at work. To somehow make it through the day and to the next and somehow shut down that constant train of fear and self loathing for just long enough to get at least a few hours of sleep at night. It felt like constantly fighting not to drown.

    So, many thanks for you sharing your journey with us. It Does help to know we're not alone in this. ♥

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    1. I have the same issue with phone calls, it just terrifies me and get's me so worked up that afterwards when I do end up making a phone call I'm just exhausted :/ I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and that you have a support system around you! Stay strong <3 Xx

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