Today, exactly one year ago, I received the most terrifying phone call of my life. My mom, completely pilled out, on the other side of the telephone line terribly heart broken, wanting to die. She told me how she tried to commit suicide, by overdosing on sleeping pills, trying to cut her wrist, then overdosing on sleeping pills again, and failed. She had no notion of what she was doing and doesn't recollect this phone call, but I remember it like it just happened yesterday.
I tried to talk to her, as long as possible, and compared to what you might think, I was not really panicking. When she told me she wanted to die I told her I wanted to die too, but that it wasn't her (or my) time to leave. At this point I had been depressed for almost 2 years, struggling everyday to (find a reason to) stay alive, so all I felt for her was empathy. Knowing that I had to finish the phone call with her to call the ER was terrifying, what if she wouldn't be conscious anymore by the time I'd call back? On my way to the hospital I had no idea if she was still alive or not. The only piece of information I had was that she was picked up by the ambulance. That day I flipped a switch in my head, my desire to die disappeared completely and the sadness I had felt for so long was gone. I don't know why or how it happened, but I guess it was because I was confronted by death in a very close manner.
* This post was written months ago and has been scheduled for this day ever since. My life, and my family's life has changed dramatically ever since. My dad walked out without an explanation and today marks the one year anniversary that we don't talk. I'm planning to keep it that way as leaving children to take care of their mom, alone, after a suicide attempt is just beyond my comprehension, whether divorce is at play or not. I've learned a lot about myself after this experience, I've learned a lot about family dynamics, family struggles and how not being open and honest can do some serious damage. If you are someone who has gone through this, has attempted suicide or has mental health problems, my prayers are with you. Stay strong and take care of yourself! All my love,
September 10th - #WorldSuicidePreventionDay
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