Honest About Beauty

Friday, 8 April 2016

2 Months of Therapy, Life & Goals



My therapist explained to me I wasn't given the tools or foundation to grow as a person. I burned out because I've been trying to find myself and find a supportive environment my whole life and lacked help. Even though I've learned a lot of things about myself in the past couple of years and am fully aware of character I don't know how to utilize that information to my advantage. I can't help but panicking every single time I think about my future and I feel like I've failed when it comes to the basics about what is expected from a human being.

I'm sad because I feel like I missed out on so many opportunities and yet I have no idea of what I want, or in better terms: I don't have the confidence to express what I want. Even though I thought I had accepted myself the way I am, I couldn't be more wrong. Whereas most girls are insecure about their bodies I think about how I don't seem to be able to have regular anythings. I either have very close friendships or I don't have any at all, I either have one drink or way too many. Where most people are able to make a distinction between private life and work, there isn't any for me, work for me is personal and I either work too much or I don't work at all. I'm a very social and outgoing person, but then there's also this other me: a girl that hates the whole world and locks herself up at home for weeks at a time. Too scared, shy and anxious to face the outside. I'm either confident about all my flaws or I'm not at all and it's frustrating.

Related Posts:

One month of therapy update
Life update: my sobriety & making changes
A heartbreaking letter to my father 
Note to self: life is more than academic skills 
How to: deleting negativity from your life
A feel good song to beat the blues
My in-law horror story
Things I want to let go in 2016


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4 comments

  1. Most of this could have very well been written about me xx

    charlotteharvs.blogspot.com

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    1. I don't know if I should be happy about this or sad, or both. It feels good to hear that but I also feel for you. you should write about it on your blog :) Xxx

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    2. I think happy because I'm not sad about it :) Sometimes I feel sad about the same things as you, about not being or doing enough and worrying about the future but I guess if I didn't worry about these things then I'm not sure what kind of person that would make me.

      Really, I have everything I want right now. I have time to read, write, blog and take walks in the sun, I have people to love and people who love me - but for some reason there are times when everyone else makes me feel like I need more. The question "what do you do?" is so ingrained in everyone that people believe that what "you do" defines who you are. It just isn't "fair" and you're lazy if you aren't visibly working as hard as everyone else. (However if you inherit a shit load of money then I guess people wouldn't really give a crap)

      I truly believe that in general, life is just so much harder for some people and others just can't see it unless it's a visible disability. If I wanted to become a top lawyer, not only would I have to go to law school, put in all the hours and work hard - I'd also have to battle anxieties along the way which other people wouldn't have to. We aren't on a level playing field and some people need to work five times as hard as others to get the same results, and working that hard wouldn't leave much room left to enjoy life would it?

      Have you read this article? To Anyone Who Thinks They’re Falling Behind In Life - it's very good. One part that sticks out to me is...

      "You don’t need more motivation or inspiration to create the life you want. You need less shame around the idea that you’re not doing your best. You need to stop listening to people who are in vastly different life circumstances and life stages than you tell you that you’re just not doing or being enough."

      I've always felt that sympathy is far too close too pity, and I don't want to be pitied but rather congratulated! That even though I - we - have to deal with stuff that's hard and that makes us feel sad or depressed, that we're still here doing what we can when we can! xx

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