I recently found a letter I wrote when I was 18. I was studying at university at the time and the exams period was approaching. I wrote a lot of letters to myself when I was a teenager. I used to have boxes filled with papers, diaries and scrapbooks. I threw those all away months ago because they made me really sad. I was a very depressed teenager. The letter was hidden in a newspaper I had kept from 2008, there were 3 papers. My instant reaction was to tear the papers apart but in the end I only ripped up two. It's still a depressing letter but somehow also quite hilarious. I realized I actually don't feel that much different compared to back then. I'm still a little lost girl who hates the entire world.
"Of course I can't wait to write something down, but the fear that I will fail forces me to use scrap paper. I don't know what I could write, where I need to start and when. The funny thing is that my inspiration only shows up when it's about midnight. 12pm Is the time where I have written the most original and hilarious letters. The problem is, the inspiration needs to come by itself, it shouldn't be forced, otherwise my letters end up being shitty. But I can't wait every single time until it's midnight, right? Not that I don't have anything better to do. I need to prepare for an exam, I should be loving my anatomy and chemistry book right now .. where my field of interest does not even reach in the slightest. Especially not now that I trying to open up, which is of course much more important and fatal .. My choice of study has long crashed. I feel hopeless, guilty and unable to study anything."